I Swear This Time I Mean It
by Arkantoz
Summary: "You don't care that everyone in the restaurant is wondering why you're both crying your eyes out. All that matters is that you've got the girl of your dreams in your arms and that she still loves you."
1. Kids In Love

**Part 1: [Kids in Love]**

You let her go. Well more like you don't do anything and she gets tired of waiting for something that isn't going to happen.

You don't go to senior prom because she will be there and be all happy and not with you. So instead you opt to stay home and play call of duty for eight hours straight before your legs start cramping and you're forced to get up.

Senior year is nothing noteworthy is just the same old same old. And then you find yourself sitting in your bedroom alone holding five acceptance letters in your hand: Ohio State, Northwestern, UC Berkeley, Columbia, and NYU.

Tomorrow is D-day (decision day) and you still have yet to decide. Everyone else in glee club already has their plans mapped out.

Rachel, Kurt, and oddly Quinn are going to New York, Rachel to Julliard, Kurt and Quinn to NYU. Finn and Puck ended up at OSU with Mercedes. Artie is off to Carnegie Mellon. Mike and Tina are heading off to USC and UCLA respectively.

The one thing that's keeping you from deciding where you're going to go is Brittany. You have no idea where Brittany is going or even where she got in because you two haven't really sat down to have a chat in close to a year now (sure you greeted each other and talked to each other when you had to, but you hadn't engaged in a true conversation).

That whole situation makes you feel weird and empty but you're thinking that maybe it was for the best that you two never got together.

Your parents who had been pretty hands-off were each pushing their own agendas. Your dad wanted you to go to either Columbia or NYU to experience the big city life and get out of the Midwest. Your mom was adamant that you choose Northwestern so that her baby girl wouldn't be so far away.

You had this conversation with them over dinner one night after all the acceptances had come in and you'd narrowed it down to these five as your top choices (OSU was only there as a comfort thing. Or at least that's what you told yourself).

It had been a fairly lively dinner with the Lopez clan, a rare time when they were all together having dinner, when your mom had started in on the bullshit, saying that Northwestern would be a better place to find a good looking husband, with your father vehemently disagreeing saying that New York ensured more diversity in the suitor pool.

You're not sure what possessed you to yell; "I'm a lesbian" at the top of your voice but it got both of them to shut up at least for a minute. Then they went at it again arguing about which city would have the hotter girls.

It amazed you actually.

You couldn't have asked for a better reaction seeing as your parents had both grown up Spanish Catholic.

Later, when your dad is at the hospital, you tell your mom again and she just hugs you and tells you that she's always kind of known.

A new text message breaks you out of your thoughts.

It's Quinn, "Have you decided yet? Rachel wants a complete list. Britt is going to Julliard by the way."

In that instant when you read that text you know exactly where you are going.

"Santana chose Berkeley?" 

"Yeah I know." 

"I mean don't get me wrong Berkeley is great but I'd thought she'd want to be near her, so that they could smooth things over." 

"I know. Me too. I thought for sure they'd be in the same city at the very least."

You sigh as you listen to everyone in glee trying to decipher your decision, mostly because you know that everyone knows you made it based on where Britt decided to go. And everyone now knows that you chose to be across the country from her.

Honestly, you want a clean slate away from high school. You want to be able to recreate yourself and figure stuff out by yourself. You don't want to have the love of your life dangling in front of your eyes potentially clouding your decisions. Granted that Brittany has never clouded your judgment but you just want to be able to do something for you without all the undertones and established relationships. You don't want comfort. You're trying to throw yourself into the world and see what you can make of yourself. You're trying to grow up.

The school year ends quicker than you could have imagined and soon you're sitting in the last glee club rehearsal of the year. Fresh off the win at nationals, everyone is in good spirits. Then Brittany corners you, yearbook in hand with a half-smile gracing her face and you force a smile back at her before taking her yearbook and simultaneously handing her yours. Then you stare at the blank page she's reserved for you and ponder what exactly to write. Soon enough it all comes spilling out. 

_Britt Britt,_

_I love you. Don't ever doubt that. _

_This past year has been weirder and harder than I would have ever imagined. _

_Without you at my side, school and the world just look so lonely. I know you and everyone else are wondering why I chose Berkeley when I could have chosen Columbia or NYU and been in the same city as you. _

_I have to figure myself out first. I have to figure out who I am independent of everyone who has known me for my entire life. I need a new slate, a fresh start. _

_I need to accept that I am a lesbian. I may have already admitted it to you, myself, and my parents but I don't think I've fully and truly accepted that part of myself. _

_I'm not stupid enough to ask that you wait for me. You'll have a hundred suitors begging for a chance with you by the time you touch down in New York. You'll take the dance world by storm and you will be successful at whatever you decide to do with that. I believe in you._

_Maybe this message in your yearbook is a year too late. Maybe what I'm about to stand up and do isn't enough. I don't care. I'm taking slow steps towards you, towards holding your hand, towards kissing you again. _

_You, Brittany, are my goal. You are why I get out of bed in the morning, why I sing, why I live. Without you I am just another person, with you, I feel invincible. _

_So all I ask is that you find your happiness, whether that be with someone else or not. I just want you to be happy. Good luck in New York next year! And don't let any ever tell you that you can't or that you're stupid. Just know that I believe in you, whatever you're doing. _

_I will never give up on you. I don't know where the paths in our lives will take us, but I'd like to think that we will meet up again, somewhere, somehow. _

_Yours infinitely,_

_S._

With that written, you glance up at that blonde with a sad smile on your face as you make your way to the front of the room.

"I'd like to make an announcement."

Your mouth seems to move independent of the rest of your body. But you let it. Your eyes sweep over the now quiet and still room before settling on those blue eyes.

"I know that over the four years of high school, and probably even before that, I've been a real bitch to all of you. I always just said hurtful things that were just caricatures of the truth, if not completely made up. I took pleasure in hating you and making you hate me too. Except that then I joined Glee, and I realized that you didn't hate me; you just pitied me, with a little hatred on the side."

You're shifting your weight from your left foot to your right foot. You can't seem to get comfortable. Your palms are sweating, but it's the last day. You've got to do this.

"I just…First of all I'm sorry that I ever did all of that to any of you. None of you deserved it. Truth is… I was scared. I hid behind my words and my actions, but ultimately I still didn't get what I wanted. Or what I thought I wanted."

You pause, gathering your thoughts for the final part of this speech that you practiced so hard in the mirror in your room last night. You know that this final part is only two words, but that may be hardest part.

"I'm gay."

Your mouth spouts the words before your brain even has a chance to process it.

In a millisecond Brittany has jumped up to hug the life out of you, whispering about how proud she is. She hands you over to Quinn who just smiles. Puck gives you a thumbs up, Mercedes manages to squeal a 'Hell yes Satan', Mike, Tina, and Artie smile and nod in acknowledgement.

You're standing in front of the Glee Club with Brittany's arms wrapped around your shoulders and Quinn's arms around your waist.

Nothing ever felt more right.


	2. Center of Attention

**Part 2: [Center of Attention]**

Your first roommate didn't really appreciate your liking of girls. When you move into your new room, the door is opened by a girl dressed in what appears to be her boyfriend's shirt.

You groan a little in your head thinking that this straight girl is going to be just as misguided and judgy as the last straight girl you tried to room with.

That thought lasts for about two milliseconds before another girl, with wildly tangled hair, emerges from the room and presses a kiss to the first girl's cheek. The first girl just grins at you and picks up the boxes you'd set down and helps you move them into the room.

When you're all done both of you stand in the door way awkwardly, she, still grinning, you keeping your face in that kind of smile that looks clearly forced.

"I'm Lex," she says, breaking the awkward tension and holding her hand out to you. 

"Santana," you reply, grasping the proffered hand.

Now that you're less than three feet away from her you can see her dark brown eyes and the way that her hair falls into her eyes a little bit because she's swept her bangs to the left.

Her eyes may be brown like yours but they are so different than yours. Her eyes are warmer more like melted chocolate, whereas yours are colder, harsher more obsidian like.

She's Asian but her black hair is tinted with blonde and brown hairs and her eyes aren't slanted like other Asians you've seen.

She releases your hand and closes the door behind you before settling into her office chair, kicking her feet up onto the desk and eying you.

"So what happened with the other roommate? Not that I mind the switch, god knows my ex-roomie was a crazy bible beater." There's a twinkle in her eye as she says it and that confident grin reappears on her face.

You can't help but grin back as you reply, "She's catholic, I'm gay."

"Ah. You know I didn't think we'd get many of those bible-beating types here. I mean we are at Berkeley. But I guess there's always a few."

"So I'm assuming that you're not a crazy religious..."

"Oh hell no. As if I could get my lazy ass out of bed to go dress up and sit still for three hours on a weekend morning. I'm not the strict rule following type and the only thing I'm crazy about is my bass and demon music. Besides, I like me some girls and I like me some boys."

You've just got this stupid grin on your face. Your roommate is not only somehow confidently sexy (that goddamn grin), she plays for your team (at least some of the time) and she makes you laugh, and you haven't laughed like this since, well, since you and Brittany were okay back at the beginning of junior year. 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Lex quickly becomes your closest friend at school. When you two aren't studying together in your room, you're working out together, or crashing frat parties together.

On the surface she seems exactly the same as you are. She's a hard ass, badass, crass and funny but she's also got a charm that you don't possess. There's something about the way that she makes everything seem like a joke that makes everyone around her really like her.

You've gotta admit, she's got a great sense of humor and somehow possesses the self-awareness to go along with the borderline offensive humor. She knows how to make fun of people without being a total bitch. And you're in awe.

She's exactly like you but people actually like her. And now because you've been hanging out with her so much you actually have a group of friends that are both cool and supportive.

These people seem to genuinely appreciate your often non-politically correct commentary and understand that you're not aloof or cold, but just keep your emotions close to the chest.

Still, you're curious about Lex, she explains herself just about as much as you do, which isn't much at all. So one Sunday morning as you sip your coffee while sitting at your computer, you look over to her side of the room where she is playing some riffs on her bass.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" You're not even sure where that question came from. "Sorry, I didn't mean to like pry or get all up in your business or whatever."

"It's cool." She cocks her head curiously at you, her brown eyes search your face for a few seconds as though she was looking for an answer before she replies, "Not at the moment, no. I have had a girlfriend in the past, but not right now."

She doesn't need to ask why. She knows why you're asking even if you don't quite know.

"What about the girl from the day I moved in?"

"Who? Oh yeah, nah, that was a one-time thing with her. She's not my type." She smiles at you, though her smile is more unsure than usual.

"Type?" Now you know you're getting into awkward territory. You're gay and you're asking your half-gay roommate what kind of girl she likes.

"I like my girls smart and hot."

This time the smile that follows the comment is genuine and you're chuckling too. Leave it Lex to be able to diffuse any awkward situation.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Lex understands you. She may not know you in the same way that Brittany does (or did), but something tells you that her story may closely mirror your own.

She gets that when you shut down, you're not trying to be exceptionally bitchy but that those barbed words are a defense mechanism.

She isn't perturbed by the fact that you've told her only tidbits about your high school experience. After all, it isn't as though she'd been exactly open when it came to telling high school tales. You two may not know each other's life stories but you know each other in all the ways that count.

She knows that you won't get out of bed until there's coffee in the vicinity (she hands you a cup of coffee whether you are awake or not at 7am every morning) and you know that she can't go a day without running (and so you run with her everyday even though you haven't worked out this much since you've been on the Cheerios).

It's been nearly three months of pure bliss at college. When you chose Berkeley you didn't know if you were going to be okay going so far away from the people and places you'd known since birth. You and Lex have taken to hanging out in the engineering library because she's majoring in engineering and there's no quieter place to go on campus.

It's been a week of late nights spent studying and finishing term papers.

You're both tired as hell, it's Sunday night, finals start on Monday, and you're walking back to the dorms side by side, hands barely brushing against each other.

You steal a sideways glance at Lex underneath a streetlight as you walk past and your first thought is that she looks cute even when she's disgruntled and tired.

Her hair is somehow perfectly messy and her glasses (which you've only recently seen as she usually wears contacts) are adorably knocked askew. Her collared shirt is rumpled and untucked and the sweatpants she's wrongly paired with the formal shirt are barely staying on her hips.

You stop walking in the middle of the sidewalk and she stops five feet later and turns to look at you curiously. You close the gap with two steps and stare into her warm, tired, half-closed eyes. Your right hand grasps her left and your left hand gently brushes the hair away from her face.

She doesn't move an inch as your eyes continue to search hers.

Then without even thinking your lips are connecting to hers. Her hand right hand is has found its way into your mess of hair, her fingers threading their way through the locks of your hair.

The kiss is gentle and explorative and there are fireworks going off behind your eyelids and you can feel the pads of her fingers slowly moving down from your cheekbone, across your jaw line and down your neck before coming to a rest with her fingers on your collarbone and the heel of her hand resting at the top of your sternum.

You both pull away simultaneously and when she smiles at you, you force an unsure smile back and refuse to meet her gaze. There's the possibility that she may reject you and that's not something you're sure you can deal with.

"Happy Finals Week," you speak quietly as you study the ground.

You realize what you've just done. You've now possibly ruined a friendship and made things super awkward between you two. You're not really sure where Lex's head was, and you're not sure if she even feels remotely 'that way' about you. But you've done it, and now you need to know if she's okay with that.

"Happy indeed," she replies simply with a knowing smirk on her face.

She winks at you and all your previous worries about it being awkward have now flown out the window, because she seems more than okay with it and you're more than okay with it.

She reaches over and threads her fingers through yours, pulling you closer to her so that your shoulders are gently nudging each other. You continue your walk back to the dorms, only now with linked hands swinging between you and a smile that would rival that of the Cheshire cat.

You expect her to ask what the kiss means or how you feel because that's the kind of thing you think girls would ask when you kiss them. But to your surprise she says nothing as you get ready for bed and still asks no questions when you leave to brush your teeth. Perhaps she knows you better than you thought.

You know that you don't want to mess up the mood by talking about it, and you sure as hell haven't figured out where Lex fits in with Brittany and if Brittany is even a viable option at this point. You still haven't told Lex the entire story about Brittany, but now you know that you need to.

You ready yourself to answer the questions she'll probably hurl at you as soon as you get back from the bathroom. But, instead she kisses your cheek when you re-enter the room and climbs into bed with only a brief goodnight in your direction.

You reply and turn over in your bed, you lips and cheek still tingling with the feeling of her lips.


	3. The Beginning

**Part 3: [The Beginning]**

The combination of finals taking up all your time and winter break right after it, make it impossible to have a serious conversation with Lex. She seems to be just as confused and thoughtful about the kiss as you are because she doesn't push the subject.

It's not until you're both back at school after vacation, Lex back from her home town Chicago and you back from a vacation with your parents to Florida, that you get a chance to finally bring it up.

You're secretly glad that your parents decided to visit your aunt in Florida with you because you're sure that going back to Lima and seeing certain people would have just made you more confused.

Still, you're a little homesick because you've been away from Ohio for nearly five months now.

You'd never thought there'd be a day when you would actually admit to yourself that you freaking miss that Podunk town.

Thank god you're back at college now though. Throughout winter break, every single time you went to the beach, your mother would comment on every girl who passed by saying awkward things that mothers should never say like, "That woman has nice breasts, but my gaydar isn't that finely tuned" or "Wow. She must go to the gym to get legs like that" or "So are you a boobs or butt kind of girl?"

Though it was mortifying to hear such things come out of your mother's mouth, you knew that she was just trying to show her acceptance in the only way she knew how.

If you're being honest with yourself, you didn't even really look at any other girls while you were away. You had one girl on your mind and it wasn't a blonde haired, blue eyed, dancer. No, your mind was on an Asian girl who had re-ignited that flame inside your body simply by kissing you back.

You're a little bit worried to see her mostly because you think that it could turn out to be very awkward, especially since you know that you need to talk to her before more shit goes down.

When Lex sees you she pulls you into a tight hug and whispers, "It's good to be back," in your ear. You relax a little bit because she's not acting awkward, although you're not actually sure if she _can_ act awkward seeing that she always seems completely at home in her own skin.

You snap out of your daze long enough to stutter, "I think we should talk."

She just nods knowingly and the two of you sit silently for a couple of seconds before she speaks.

"Are you going to bring anything up to talk about, Tana? Cause I think it would help the process along." She's got a glint in her eye and a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips, and you can't help but chuckle at her attempt at making you feel more comfortable.

"I kissed you."

"You kissed me and I liked it."

"I liked it too."

It's that simple. She leans in, one hand on your waist and the other barely ghosting the junction where your jaw meets your ear. Her lips gently graze yours, caressing, easing you into it.

Your lips part slightly and you sigh a little bit as she presses harder, but just as you're getting into it, she pulls away. Her hand keeps your face close to hers; so close that your noses are barely touching and your foreheads are millimeters apart.

"What does this mean?" she asks. There's none of that usual swagger and confidence in her voice; she sounds vaguely vulnerable and it just makes her more whole and complete and more lovable.

"It means," you start, but you're fearful of what you're about to say, so the words get caught in your throat. You've never felt nervous to say them but you figure maybe it's because you're usually demanding rather than asking.

"It means, that on Friday, you, uhm, me, uh, get me food."

She looks at you quizzically, her eyebrows knit in quiet concentration, trying to figure out what the hell you just said.

"Sorry, I mean will you go out to dinner with me on Friday?" you mumble, your eyes avoiding her gaze.

You've just made a complete fool of yourself. Who would want to go out with someone like you? It's suddenly like your brain has been flooded with all the insecurities of high school.

Maybe you read into the kiss the wrong way. Why would she want to go out with you you're not nearly as good as she is and –

"Only if it's a date." She interrupts your thoughts.

"It's definitely a date."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Friday rolls around quicker than you had imagined it would. You're more than a little nervous.

This is a real date, not a dinner with Britt or a prequel to sex with any slew of guys. This is a legit date where at the end of it you'll be happy with a goodnight kiss. You sigh and try to shake out your jitters.

Your hair is down and you've got on your leather jacket over a purple v-neck with tight fitting skinny jeans and your old beat up vans. You feel good about yourself. You look like a badass, but not too masculine.

You see her and immediately smile. She's got a white collared shirt on with a loosened blue tie, and blue jeans tucked into beat up combat boots. Her hair is down and those adorable glasses are on her face.

As she approaches you she speaks, "I know how much you love to see the glasses. So I put them on just for you." She grins and winks as she slips her hand into yours.

"So where are we off to?"

Her confidence is almost infectious and her energy definitely is. You can still feel the butterflies lingering somewhere in the pit of your stomach but you no longer have any doubt in your mind.

This girl makes you feel good about yourself.

She makes you feel empowered and you didn't even have to tear anyone down to get that satisfaction of feeling on top, of feeling hot, of feeling badass. Just the way she looks at you and smiles a little bit wider or the way she sneaks playful winks at you, just for you, makes you feel all tingly and warm inside.

"You'll see where we're going."

You pull her into the car that you've borrowed from one of your floor mates for the night.

"Didn't know you had a car."

"Borrowed it."

"Are you still not telling me where you're taking me?"

"Nope, you'll have to see for yourself."

You're driving her over to the abandoned Naval Base at the Marin Headlands. She's expressed an interest in seeing the sunset from there multiple times, plus there's a beach nearby. When you get there and you've driven up to the trail she looks at you with those glowing brown eyes and reaches over the center console to hug you before bounding out of the car.

She nearly squeals in excitement as you hand her a backpack full of food and shoulder your own.

As soon as you're situated and ready, she's grabbed your hand and is all but dragging you up the trail.

As you huff up the seemingly never ending hill (you grew up and lived in flat as a pancake Lima Ohio for your entire life, hills are pretty daunting), Lex just kind of bounces along. She has lived in California her entire life, and she can climb hills with the best of them. The dirt road has finally flattened out there are bits of broken concrete everywhere.

The two of you slip through a crack in the wire fence easily; living with Lex, there's so much running and being active that you're pretty sure you've lost weight since you went to college.

This place is awesome. There are old rundown buildings scattered everywhere. Graffiti covers nearly every available surface and it's not the crappy kind of graffiti either. Grim reapers of all different kinds are painted onto the walls.

Intricately drawn faces, ghosts, and characters from cartoons adorn the inside walls of many of the buildings. There's broken glass and metal spilling out everywhere. The place is perfectly run down.

You somehow end up sitting on a rooftop shoulder to shoulder ready to enjoy the sunset with some food.

"I made us sandwiches. Here's yours; pastrami, pepper jack, sprouts, mixed greens, mustard, no mayo, pickles, no lettuce, no tomatoes, on sour dough, right?"

"Well, Santana Lopez, you sure know how to woo a girl. And you brought coke! Extra points!"

"So you're okay with not going out to a fancy restaurant?"

"I want to get to know you, not try to awkwardly feel bad for ordering something super expensive. I'm a low key kinda gal. Sandwiches and coke with a pretty sunset and a gorgeous girl is quite enough for me. Besides, fancy restaurants bring out the awkward in the best of us."

"I'm glad you like it."

You sit in a comfortable silence as the sun sets and darkness envelops you.

She breaks the silence first, "Tell me something I don't know about you."

"I was a cheerleader. Captain of the squad for some time as well. Our coach was totally crazy though. She wanted to shoot one of my friends out of a canon. Your turn."

"I was in a band, I sang back up and played the bass."

"I was in glee club. We won Nationals my senior year. It was so validating."

"I ran track and field. I did the 800 meter run and the triple jump. I made league in both."

"Until this year, I had lived in Lima, Ohio all my life."

"I moved to California when I was 16."

"Really? Why?"

"To live with my aunt."

"Where are your parents?"

"I don't really want to talk about them."

You can see the look in her eye with the last traces of sunlight. She's got an angry glint hardening them into a darker brown. She's shut down. Whatever it is you know well enough not to push it, so you quickly change the subject.

"Okay. I'm a sucker for the Lord of the Rings Trilogy."

"The second one was definitely the best."

"Oh come on. Return of the King is the one that won the Oscar."

"Oscar does not always translate to the general public liking it."

"Star Wars or Star Trek?"

"Both, but Star Wars I guess because that was my introduction to sci-fi."

"Did you ever watch the Dune movie?"

"They made an awesome book shitty."

"I know!"

The conversation carries late into the night. Soon the stars are out and you find yourselves lying down, backpacks as pillows, hands linked between you, blanket thrown over your bodies for warmth.

"Thanks for the best first date ever Tana."

"Thanks for being the best first date ever."

You grin at each other before turning your heads back to the stars.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

"Shit."

You're running around the room like a headless chicken, dropping expletives left and right when Lex walks in from her last class of the day.

"My parents are coming for an impromptu visit. They want to meet you."

"What did you tell them?"

"No. As my new roommate. They want to meet my new roommate."

"Oh. Cool."

"They don't know that I'm dating, much less that my girlfriend is living with me. So..."

"Yeah keep it on the D.L. I got it."

"Thanks. Oh shit, they're here!"

You run past an amused Lex, before running right back into the room.

"Wait. Why is that your outfit? I didn't even know you owned flannel."

She looks down at the flannel, skinny jeans, combat boots, and the fedora she's holding in her hand. She just grins.

"Yeah, I do look particularly…well…Pink v-neck instead of the flannel and lose the fedora?"

"Thanks Lex. Best. Girlfriend. Ever." You punctuate each word with a chaste kiss before running straight out of the room again.

Your parents walk fast and get to your room, and to Lex before you do.

"Oh. You must be Santana's new roommate. We met the old one, the bible crazy one, but we've never met you."

"I'm Alexandra, it's really nice to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Lopez."

"Ah, and with such good manners. So what are you studying here?"

"Engineering. Mechanical Engineering."

"Ohh, a smart roommate. And so cute too. Boys will snap you up in no time!"

Lex just raised both her eyebrows and forced a sort of smile/grimace onto her face as she nodded.

You leap in before you parents can mortify you in front of your roommate, your girlfriend. Screw being on the down low. Your parents should be fine with it. You and Lex have only been together officially for a month but you've known each other for many months now.

"Mom, I actually have something to tell you."

"Oh god, you're not pregnant are you? Wait, you can't be. I have to say it is very nice not to have to worry about an unexpected grandchild. Unless…"

"No mom, I'm not pregnant. I'm actually dating–"

"Well I simply must meet this girl."

"Lex. I'm dating Lex. Lex is my girlfriend, mom." You reach over and grab the hand of a slightly bemused, mostly shell shocked Lex.

"Who is Lex?"

"Alexandra?"

"Oh. Alexandra? Well Santana you picked a good girl. Such a pretty face and gorgeous hair with a nice smile, and perfect body, and she's an engineer."

"Mom. Not appropriate."

"Sorry. I didn't offend you did I, Alexandra?"

"No, ma'am not at all."

"Oh, cut the ma'am business. I may be your girlfriend's mother, but I'm not that old."

"Of course, Ms. Lopez."

Your parents drag you both to a fancy restaurant. Lex tries to protest and say that you should spend time alone with your parents as a sort of familial bonding thing but your father basically formally requests her presence at dinner.

You end up at the restaurant sharing one side of the booth with her, the arrangement effectively ending your attempts to start a footsie game.

When a lull in the conversation appears, your mother excuses herself to the bathroom and not so subtly asks you to accompany her. You shoot an apologetic glance at Lex and a warning glare at your father. Lex just half smiles at you while your father smirks, amused. Reluctantly you follow your mom into the bathroom, where she begins to touch up her flawless make up.

"How do you feel about her mom?"

"I think she's a wonderful contrast to Brittany and I think she likes you very much. She is well-mannered, able to hold intelligent conversation, and handles your mood swings quite admirably for someone who has only known you for less than a year. Keep her around for a while, Santana. She makes you happy. And honestly, I don't think I've seen you this happy in too long a time."

"Thanks mom." You hug your mother before pulling away and looking her dead in the eye.

"No more embarrassing stories or prying questions please mom."

"Isn't it a mother's job to humiliate her daughter in front of the new girlfriend?"

You sigh as you follow your mom back into the restaurant where you hope that your girlfriend hasn't been permanently traumatized by your father.

"Hey are you okay?" you whisper into her ear as you brush back a piece of her hair from her face.

"I'm good. You're dad's pretty cool."

You smile. "I think he tries really hard."

The two of you chuckle quietly as your parents beam back at you from the other side of the booth. You sling an arm around your girl's shoulders and she snakes one around your waist.

You never imagined that you would be having a non-disastrous dinner with a girlfriend and your parents, but then again you never imagined to have you parents actually accept you or to have a girlfriend as laidback as Lex, who would be able to take the blow of a surprise parent meeting.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

When your parents finally drop the two of you at your dorm room late at night, you're exhausted and thoroughly embarrassed.

What began as a non-disastrous meal had turned into some kind of 'Santana Lopez' roast. Your parents had every embarrassing story to tell Lex and you could do nothing but feel humiliated the entire time. She interrupts your internal rant.

"You don't have to feel embarrassed, you know? Those stories, they just prove that you're multi-dimensional, that you're protective of anything you love, and that you're determined. Don't think of them as humiliating Santana. Stories that we feel embarrassed by make us human. Those are the stories that really make up a person. It's not the successes that define someone. It's the stories about how people get things done regardless of how it looks to the outside world. The stories that you don't want to tell anyone are always the best ones."

"How did you know I was embarrassed?"

"Your face was actually flushed and you were quiet. You didn't talk like you usually do."

"This whole ordeal has been a nightmare. My girlfriend sees me humiliated by my own parents."

"You're a beautiful person Tana, inside and outside. It's okay to drop the high school act of pretending. I will never judge you. You'll be loved for exactly who you are. Be proud of yourself. Own yourself. All the parts of yourself."

"How are you always so confident? Not that I'm saying that you're cocky. I –You just always know who you are, you never seem nervous, and you're never really that awkward."

"I know who I am and I'm not going to apologize for it. It's not like I don't care if someone is judging me, but I know that they only judge because that's what humans are programmed to do. I can't change who I am and that's something that I've accepted. I wasn't always this confident you know. I tried to pretend that I was only into guys for a while. I tried to deny away the gay half of me, but I couldn't. As much as I tried, I couldn't erase and rewrite this side of me that I desperately wanted to be rid of. We all want to fit in in one way or another."

"How'd you accept the fact that you were into guys and girls?"

"I fell in love with a girl one summer. It basically forced me to come to terms with the fact that I was half gay."

"What happened to the girl?"

"She wasn't interested. It was a case of unrequited love, but I have to thank her for leaving no room for doubt in my mind. She turned out to be a great friend after all that."

"Unrequited love sucks."

"It does."

"Thanks for telling me all of that."

"Thanks for listening."

"You can just say 'you're welcome' you know."

"I could."

"Cheeky."

"Goodnight Tana."

"Night, Alexandra."

"Please, never call me by my full name again."

"Ha. You realize that I'm going to do it more now that I realize how much you don't like it?"

"Don't forget that I'm the one who knows about the time that you–"

"On second thought, I'll keep the Alexandra thing to myself."

"Good girl."

In the darkness you fall asleep a smile gracing your lips. You are finally at peace with yourself.


	4. The Silence

**Part 4: [The Silence]**

Little by little you show Lex things about your past life. You show her pictures from high school from the Cheerio's pictures to the Glee pictures.

"Who's the blonde one?"

"What do you mean?"

"Blonde hair, blue eyes."

"That's Brittany," you sigh, then quietly add, "first love."

You don't say anything else and she doesn't press it. She sits quietly, content with your answer as she watches you curiously.

"I met her in fourth grade. We were instant best friends. She, Quinn, and I we were going to rule the freaking school. And we did from middle school to sophomore year in high school. Britt was my first everything. First kiss, first love, first heartbreak. First everything."

Lex nods and pulls you closer encouraging you to continue.

"She and I kissed in eighth grade as 'practice' for when we did it with guys. We had sex in freshman year as 'practice' for the guys. We would date guys and we had sex with lots of guys but we always came back to each other."

You pause again to catch your breath and build up the confidence to tell the next part of the story.

"We loved each other. But I was scared to be gay. So I used guys as beards and pushed her away. She found a guy who was willing to love her the way I should have. I told her I loved her. She broke up with him. I couldn't come out. She waited for me. I couldn't come out until my last day of high school."

The tears start falling more rapidly and you know that what's happening is inevitable. You're soon sobbing uncontrollably into Lex's arms.

"I never got my chance with her. I waited too long and I ended up with nothing."

She holds you tight allowing your tears to soak into her shirt. She whispers in your ear that you didn't end up with nothing and that you've got plenty in your life. She whispers to you and tells you things, anything and everything, until you've both fallen asleep.

You realize that you have a lot of learning to do. You've spent half of your relationship with Lex figuring out exactly how to be in a real relationship. You know how to go on one date with many people, not many dates with the same person. And you know how to initiate a booty call but not a cuddle session. You have a lot to learn.

You've never had to think this hard for a date idea in your life. Sure, you know Lex well. You know she loves boxing, wants to 'see the world', plays the bass guitar, and loves hiking.

You're pretty sure you'll get the shit kicked out of you if you get in the boxing ring with her. And besides you'd both be shirtless (cause that's how people dressed in boxing rings right?) and that's just too tempting.

You don't really have the funds or the time to take her sightseeing around the world. And though you've had many heart-to-hearts with her and she's met your parents an extravagant trip seems extreme.

You've already taken her hiking and you sing to her bass playing all the time.

You're officially stumped.

And then you have an epiphany.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

"How did you get tickets to this?"

"I bought them?"

"Tana. This is like the biggest concert of the year. It's nearly impossible to get tickets."

"Well. I'm just magical like that."

"I can't believe you were actually able to get us tickets for Sarah Chang. I mean that woman is a goddess on the violin. I owe you a freaking spectacular date."

She hugs you tightly before squealing again then jumping up and down.

You've never been a fan of classical music, but this is the one performer that Lex insisted you had to see regardless of whether or not you liked classical music. By the end of the concert you understand exactly why Sarah Chang is Lex's favorite performer.

Not only does the woman move and sway with the music, but watching the emotions flit across Sarah Chang's face as she plays almost inspires you to actually listen to the classical music. You never knew that there could be so much passion without words.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

"So your mom emailed me."

You frown, trying to figure out how you mom got your girlfriend's email address. And why was you mom emailing your girlfriend and not you?

"What'd she want?"

"Well she wants us to go back to Lima for Christmas."

"Oh."

"I told her it was a good idea seeing as you haven't been back to your hometown in three years."

"You don't think that there's a good reason for that?"

"What?"

"I don't want to go back to that small town. I came out here for a reason. I needed to escape that tiny minded town."

"Santana…"

"No. Don't Santana me. You didn't grow up there. You didn't have to try and figure out your sexual orientation there. You didn't have to fall in love with your best friend and try to come out there. You don't get it."

"I get it. Probably better than you think."

"This is my call."

"Your call? You're deciding for us now?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry I thought this was a partnership, not a Santana Lopez is the dictatorship."

"I'm sorry I thought that you would understand how some of us don't want to confront our past."

"Your mother invited us to spend Christmas with the family."

"What's your point?"

"Did I not make myself clear? Your mother, your family, wants you there for the holidays."

"We're not talking about this."

"No, of course not. Now that you've decided that."

You watch Lex storm out of the room faster than you can say "I'm sorry". You're immediately regretful because you didn't mean to ruin your relationship over something so petty and inconsequential.

Lex doesn't come back that night and when she does arrive back in the morning she grabs her books and leaves before you can even say anything to her

She's all silent and glaring for the rest of the night. Frankly, you're not sure why she's glaring at you when she's the one that stormed out and left the relationship.

"What the hell is your problem Lex?"

"My problem? I'm not the one with the problem."

"What, so you're saying I have a problem."

"That is exactly what I'm saying. Yeah just twist my words."

"You don't get to be bent up about this _you_ broke up with _me_."

"Wait. When did I do that? Why would I break up with you?"

"We had an argument yesterday."

"Yeah an argument about why you don't want to go back to Lima for Christmas. Your mom really wants to stay home this year. And to be honest I'd really want to meet all these people who you went to high school with."

"We had an argument."

"What's your point Tana, we argued. We disagreed. I don't remember breaking up with you."

"Wait. Hold up. So you storming off wasn't you breaking up with me."

"No. Why would you think that? I was just cooling off so I wouldn't say anything stupid or hurtful. It gets pretty hard to keep my cool around you."

"So storming off does not equate breaking up."

"Did you ever date in high school? Have you ever watched a romantic comedy?"

"I went on a lot of dates, but never two dates with the same person. I was also a closeted lesbian having sex and being in love with my best friend. I didn't really have the most healthy relationships."

"Okay. Relationship 101. Just because I yell, scream, shout, walk away, storm off, or whatever, doesn't mean I've broken up with you. If I ever break up with you, which I don't plan on doing, I will tell you 'Santana, I am breaking up with you.' Is that clear? And no, that was not me breaking up with you."

"Stop treating me like a toddler."

"See. Right there. You're so damn infuriating sometimes. This is why I need to storm off. You could say 'Thanks Lex' for teaching me how to be in an adult relationship."

"I could. But I think you'd love me less if I was that nice."

"You know what? I'm going to class now."

Lex playfully dodges your attempt to give her a kiss leaving you standing in your doorway pouting slightly. But, before she turns the corner and descends the stairs, she blows a kiss back in your direction, leaving you chuckling to yourself.

You've got a couple of hours to kill before your next class so you decide to call up Quinn. Ever since graduation the two of you have exchanged texts pretty regularly and now that you've been at college you've even Skyped with her a couple times.

Now that high school is over, you two have become good friends again. There's no jockeying for positions on the pyramid or any of that. With the end of high school, Quinn doesn't feel like she needs to pick between Santana and Brittany. Santana's so far away from them that Quinn doesn't feel like she's upsetting anyone by being Santana's friend.

"Q."

"S."

"How is NYU? How is the big bad NYC?"

"The same as it was last week when you called."

"No need to be so _unusually_ dry with me Q."

"Shut up S."

"I – this feels weird coming out of my mouth. It almost seems emotionally supportive. What's going on? Because I may be across the country and emotionally stunted but you don't sound right. You kinda sound like that time you tried to cover up the vase breaking when we were nine."

"I don't sound right?"

"You know what I mean Q."

"She's been asking about you."

"What do you mean?"

"She found out that we Skype and that you still keep in touch with me."

"So…"

"So she's a little hurt that you're keeping in touch with me but not her."

"You know why I can't do that."

"Why not? You've got Lex, who by the way I want to meet. Brittany's not going to scheme to split you guys up especially when you're so happy with that Asian girl."

"I – I just need to take a break from all those emotions."

"That's what senior year was for S."

You sign resignedly, "I'll try."

"Good. Cause she's here right now and she wants to talk to you."

"Q. Quinn. Quinn Fabray. What are you doing? Qui– hey Britt."

"San!"

You watch Quinn watching you in the background before turning your attention back to the screen where Brittany is enthusiastically telling you about New York.

"–it's so big and there's always noise outside. I tried telling the city to be quiet, but Rachel told me that it wouldn't work so now I just have ear plugs."

"Awesome Britt. I'm glad you're liking it."

"Of course I like it. Wait. I want you to tell me all about Berkeley."

You laugh to yourself because she's acting as if nothing's changed. As if you both didn't confess your love to each other only to never end up together.

She's acting like you're best friends and like you haven't gone a day without talking to each other. She's acting like nothing's changed. Except everything's changed.

But this is still Brittany. You're not really sure how you feel inside as you tell her about all your classes and how your Math professor sucks cause he's giving you long problem sets to do in only a week's time.

You feel right back to sophomore year where you would share everything with each other. You end up talking to Brittany for two hours before you realize that you have a class to be at.

"Hey Britt, I gotta go. Before you hang up can you put Q back on?"

"Sure."

You pause before you say goodbye. There's never been any other way to say goodbye to her. So you just say it.

"Love you B."

"Love you too S."

Quinn's amused face pops back up on the screen.

"Shut up Fabray. But do me a favor? Teach her how to use Skype? She wants to talk more often."

"Was that Santana Lopez asking for and not demanding something?"

"Are you going to do it or not?"

"No need to get huffy. Yeah I'll do it. Happy?"

"Talk to you next week Q."

"Bye S."

Brittany calls again the next day; this time from her own account.

She shows you her new dance moves from the postmodern dance class she's been taking. You show her your diagram of your dream house you drew for your architecture class.

You call her later that day when you're bored and you know she's out of class. You two watch old episodes of _South of Nowhere_ together, until she falls asleep and you hang up.

Pretty soon you're talking to Brittany every day for at least an hour. You talk to her for fifteen minutes between classes, in the half hour it takes you to get dressed in the morning, and then at night.

You tell yourself it's because Lex has been so busy with her engineering classes. She's been staying out to midnight on a good night and later than that on problem set nights. You tell yourself that you're only using Brittany to fill the loneliness that's been left because you're used to having Lex around.

Except that even when the craziness of classes die down you're still spending a load of time on Skype and Lex is still spending a load of time out of the room.

She tells you that she's just hanging out with her friend from high school who's transferring in the fall and taking classes in the meantime. You don't fight her or tell her off for spending more time with this friend than with you.

It's easy to ignore the space growing between you and your girlfriend when you've got those clear blue eyes waiting for you on the computer screen.

You can feel the problems bubbling beneath the surface, and there's a nagging itch in the back of your mind telling you that you need to deal with whatever this 'thing' with Lex is.

Instead you call Brittany with more frequency. In fact you're pretty sure that you get to see Brittany more than your own girlfriend nowadays.

You're fine with this. You can allow your girlfriend to do whatever she's doing with her _friend_ as long as you've got Brittany just a click away. But as with everything in life, the tentative established equilibrium goes to pots as soon as you get comfortable with it.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

It's your birthday weekend and you wake up and instantly you're calling Brittany on Skype. Lex wakes up not long after and goes about her morning routine silently. Every couple of seconds she stares hard at your computer as if she can will it to combust with her eyes. You notice and quietly sign off with Brittany.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing." Her tone is sharp and bitter which surprises you a bit only because you've never heard her talk that way.

"Sure. Nothing's wrong. That's why you're glaring at my computer."

"Just leave it Santana."

"I'm not going to leave it Alexandra."

"You wanna know what's wrong? What's wrong is that you spend more time on the damn fucking computer with your high school flame than with your real in the flesh girlfriend."

"Well maybe if my real in the flesh girlfriend wasn't fucking cheating on me with her own high school flame then I wouldn't have to spend all this time on the damn computer."

"So it's my fault that you're emotionally dependent on your ex-lover."

"Well I don't know? Is it your fault that you decided to cheat?"

"I'm not cheating."

"Sure. Because normal people spend all their time with their purely platonic friend instead of their girlfriend."

"Well, every time I come home you're fucking on the damn computer with her."

"Because _you're_ not _here_."

"It started before that."

"It continues because of that."

There's a silence while you both regroup and try to ease the tension. She breaks the silence first.

"I feel like I'm losing you Tana. And I feel like I'm powerless to stop it."

"What do you want me to say? What am I supposed to do about it? I'm right here next to you. I'd say it's pretty clear where I've chosen to be."

"You're here physically but you're not with me emotionally anymore."

You feel the anger flame up and go straight to your head. You've lost your cool now and you wouldn't be surprised if some Spanish leaked out of your mouth.

"I'm not here emotionally? Let's talk about you and your emotions shall we."

"Tana– "

"No. You do not get to "Tana" me."

"Oh. I don't?"

"You know what? You've got a hell of a lot of nerve to act like I'm the only one that's still hung up on her high school buddy."

Your words just hang in the stuffy air of your apartment. Lex looks a little bit like someone's kicked her puppy, but mostly wears an apologetic look on her face. Your hands are covering your mortified face as you try to figure out how to get yourself out of this jam.

"Brittany."

It's not a question. Just a statement. Lex sits down heavily next to you.

"Yeah."

"Love knows no bounds."

She looks at you with sad eyes and you're almost fearful for the next words to come out of her mouth.

"Lex– "

You can explain it away. You should be good at this. Why does lying feel so wrong? Oh yeah, because it's Lex and until now you've both been truthful to each other.

"It's okay Tana. It's okay."

"I love you. You know that right?"

"Just not in the same way."

"Do you love her Lex?"

"His name is Carter. I would never cheat on you."

"I know that. But do you love him? Does he love you?"

"Yes. I don't know."

You both just sit there clinging desperately to the material of the other's clothing.

"I can't give this up," you whisper.

"What?"

"I can't give you up because I don't even know if there's someone waiting for with my heart in New York. If you want to end this you can. But I won't be the first to let go. I can't give you up."

"I guess that makes two of us."

"I still love you."

"I know. I still love you too."

"Just not…"

"Yeah."

You hug her tightly and you can't help but think that you're both trying so hard to hold onto something that's not there. That thought doesn't stop you from trying as hard as you can to hold onto the one person who led but didn't push you, who loved you but didn't smother you.

You have to hold onto Lex because she's been here next to you for the past two years. You don't want to chance her leaving because you broke up.

You hold her to your body because it makes you feel closer to her than you have in months. You need to reconnect, to understand when it started to decay. Neither of you really want each other, not in that way, but you both desperately need each other.

You've been a part of each other's lives for so long neither of you can let go. Neither of you remembers how to be alone.

"Where did we go Lex?"

"I don't know. I don't know."

That night, for the first time since you've met Lex, you feel that familiar ache settle itself back inside your ribcage.


	5. Save Your Heart

**Part 5: [Save Your Heart]**

When everyone told you not to date the person you were rooming with, they were right. The last two weeks leading up to finals are pure torture. Neither of you bring up the argument, Carter, or Brittany.

You're both just kind of tiptoeing around each other complete with over politeness and awkward silences that seem to fill the room all the time now.

You're not really sure why you two haven't broken up. Actually that's a lie. You're more afraid of being alone and by yourself in the world than almost anything. That's why you've always guarded your heart and you've always been the heartbreaker not the heart broken.

But now the rules have been changed on you. Your relationship is confusing and tense, but you can't be alone because then you would, well, be alone, as in lonely, as in unhappy. You'll take what you can get.

She's racing through her chemistry homework while somehow dancing in her seat and chanting the lyrics of 'Good Girls Gone Bad'. You almost feel like you're intruding on a private moment until she sees you in the doorway and practically drags you into the apartment.

Pretty soon the two of you are jumping on the couch singing and dancing to everything from The Script to the latest Gaga hit. Finally you both collapse back onto the couch sweaty and exhausted and remembering that homework still exists.

For those moments that you were laughing and dancing around on the couch you forgot about the weirdness that's settled between you. Now that a blanket of quiet and peace has fallen upon the room and both of you find that neither can look the other in the eye.

She breaks the silence first, "Are we doing this for the right reasons?"

The question is almost rhetorical. You both know that you're not doing this for the right reasons, but neither of you are willing to change that. There's a pause while you think of what to tell her, or how to tell her.

"Brittany is coming to visit, we planned it before all of, well, that happened, I mean to tell you but…"

"Yeah." She stares straight ahead, "So… what now?"

"I told you that I wasn't ending it."

"Yeah."

"With you it's comfortable."

"Hasn't been too comfortable for the past couple of weeks…"

"No, but we'll get over this."

"It's scary to be alone. I know."

She tries to soothe you with the words that are going to come with her hand on your arm.

"Don't."

You try to pull away but she doesn't let you. She takes your hands in her hands and uncurls you fists, letting your hands rest open and relaxed on hers.

"We're not staying together for the right reasons. This is just all messed up."

"Yeah and whose fault is that?"

You know what you're doing. You're trying to push her away, trying to make it hurt less. You're trying to stop the inevitable from happening. You've always relied on your sharp tongue to get you exactly what you wanted.

"We let this happen. Both of us."

She meets your gaze and just stares from across the couch. You let her study you for a beat before you interrupt her.

"What are you looking for?"

"Give me a reason."

"I need you."

"Not as much as you think you do."

"Lex, please don't do this."

You can already feel the ache intensifying. So far it's just kind of existed inside of your ribcage but now it's threatening to expand its territory.

"You know I have to."

"I know. I just – I can't be alone. I just can't."

"You can. I know you can. _You_ know you can."

You keep your eyes downcast in a valiant effort to hide your tears, but she grabs your hands in hers, compelling you to look into her equally watery stare.

"We've had a great run Tana. It's been two and a half years of epic adventures. Two and a half of watching you change and grow up and watching you make me into a better person. I've enjoyed every minute of it. I still love you. Just not the way I did. And I think it's time that I let you go. My work here is done."

She smiles, slow and purposefully as though convincing both you and herself that she's doing the right thing, that you both can be happy without each other.

"I wish I could love you the way– "

"I know. I know."

You're silently crying as she pulls your head towards hers gently resting her forehead on yours.

She lays a gentle kiss on each cheek and is pulling away from you when you pull her in for the tightest hug you've ever given in your life.

As she wraps her arms around your midsection you whisper things like, "I love you", "Thank you", and "I'm sorry" while she tells you, "I know", "Thank you", and "I'm sorry too".

If letting go of Lex, your girlfriend of two years, feels this bad, you're not sure how you were ever able to let go of Brittany in the first place.

-/-/-/-/-/-

You're standing there caught between the gaze of piercing blue eyes and the stare of warm glowing brown eyes. The tension in the room is suffocating.

You came back from class to your apartment only to find your oldest friend and former lover sitting on your couch with your closest friend and freshly ex-girlfriend.

From the sounds of things, they had been talking to each other before you had burst through the door and interrupted them.

Now they're both looking at you and you're looking back at them.

The girlfriend you probably never deserved speaks first, "I'll let you guys talk. I'm going for a run, I'll see you later Tana, nice to meet you Brittany."

Lex grabs her running shoes and is out the door before you've even processed what the hell just happened.

"Hi." Brittany watches you.

She seems more careful around you, more tentative than she would have been two, nearly three, years ago. That's a weird thought: two years.

It's been two years since you've seen her in the flesh. For the past couple holidays you would either, drive to Lex's aunt's house to enjoy dinner and spend a relaxing weekend away from school or find a way to get your parents out of Lima to other parts of the country visiting various family members.

You know exactly why you avoided Lima. You weren't sure if those blue eyes would send you running. Sure, you were in love with Lex, but it felt different than when you were with Brittany.

You chalk it up to their markedly different personalities and dispositions. But now those blue eyes are in front of you. They're all you see.

Your instincts (or lack thereof) shock you. You have no impulse to run, no impulse to kiss her; you really just want to hug the girl that used to be the only friend you'd ever need.

"Hey." Well, what else were you going to say?

"So that was..."

"Lex, my roommate, and uh, well, ex-girlfriend." You pause before you say the word girlfriend.

"Oh." Her face remains neutral, passive even. You can't tell how Brittany is feeling and it's making you uncomfortable, so you change the subject quickly.

"It's been a while huh."

"You haven't come home for Christmas in a while and it's your birthday next weekend but I don't have next weekend off. I have this weekend off though."

"Oh."

"So what's going on in your life?"

"I've been good. I love it here. Everyone is open to everything. No one looks at you funny and no one judges you. College has been liberating. How are you? How's the dancing?"

"It's good. I really like it. Everyone is really good but i think that it's making me better."

"That's good. How's Man– Rachel and Kurt?"

Brittany tilts her head adorably as she studies your eyes.

"If I didn't know you better I would say that you actually care about them. They're good though. Enjoying New York and the big city lifestyle…"

"It _is_ very them."

Though your exchange of words is a little forced and awkward, you two lapse into a comfortable silence. You don't want to ruin the moment but you have to know. Brittany has always known you so well but it still surprises you when she answers your unasked question.

"There's a guy in my dance class…"

You nod because you kind of already knew she had a boyfriend. You knew because she came to visit knowing you had a girlfriend.

You're pretty sure that had she still been single she wouldn't have come here. The temptation to slip up and go back to their old ways would have been too great.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

The two of them get along just fine. You're not sure why you ever doubted that they would, it's not as though Lex blames Brittany for the demise of your relationship and Brittany has pretty much always been nice to everyone.

You're glad that your ex-girlfriends can get along so well but at the same time you're a little bit unnerved. When Lex came back from her run she didn't try to talk, didn't corner you, and didn't ask questions. She just took a shower and came back in fresh clothes asking if you and Brittany wanted to go out.

So that's how you find yourself strolling down the street watching Lex and Brittany burst out in fits of giggles. You're all a little drunk when you decide to go into a nightclub for a little dancing.

You tell the Lex that you'll get the drinks and when you get back to the table the two of them have already left for the dance floor.

You can't look away. Brittany has always been mesmerizing when she dances but it's the shorter girl that surprises you. You never realized how good a dancer your girlfriend actually is. You two may go to frat parties and all but those were mostly about the drinking and the sex and there wasn't a whole lot of dancing going on.

The whole experience kind of turns you on. They both may carry the title of 'ex' before girlfriend but you can't help but enjoy the show.

The two of them try to drag you to the dance floor but you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom.

When you come back Lex is gone, back to the apartment in a cab according to Brittany.

Reluctantly you allow yourself to be led out to the dance floor. You're dancing front to front and a little bit too close for 'just friends' but you let it slide. You and Britt have always been closer than most girls are.

You dance until your legs feel rubbery and you collapse like a rag doll bending yourself over on a bar stool. You feel two strong arms spin you around and familiar lips, insistent but desperate on your own mouth before you can even register what's going on.

Then you realize that Brittany is kissing you and Brittany has a boyfriend and you _just_ broke up with your girlfriend of two years and you just can't do this.

You dig the heels of your hands into Brittany's shoulders before pushing her away. Her eyes are confused and apologetic.

"You're with someone else. I don't do that anymore. You can't play with my feelings."

You're not even sure if you were able to string together anything coherent, but it doesn't matter because your head is clouded by plumes of tequila, vodka, and Brittany.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

You stumble into the apartment and immediately follow familiar steps to Lex's bedroom. She's lying in her bed one arm over her head the other resting on her bare, untanned stomach. As if she senses you watching her, her eyes flutter open and she stares at you with a furrowed brow.

"You okay? How'd things go with Brittany?"

You don't even answer her, well not in words anyway, you break down and start sobbing. She doesn't question you when she pulls you into the bed and just hugs you tightly from behind.

Tears continue to fall until your eyes drift closed and you fall into a fitful sleep.

You wake up to an empty bed, an empty room swathed in sunlight. You walk through the flat calling out to her until you reach the living room. Your voice dies in your throat when you see who she is sitting with.

"San. Santana."

Brittany reaches out to grab your arm.

"No. Don't touch me. No. I can't do this."

"Tana… tana…Santana."

Lex huffs a little bit as she watches you flee the room without looking back. Before you make it out of earshot you hear Lex speak, "Wow. What happened with you guys last night?"

You don't hear Brittany's mumbled response before you've holed yourself up in you room.

-/-/-/-/-/-

A quick tap to your door jolts you into an upright position.

"Tana it's me. Brittany is gone, for now. It's just me."

You reluctantly cross the room to unlock the door and let Lex in. She doesn't enter your room though, she just stands in the doorway leaning uncomfortably against the door's frame.

"I know you don't want to… but you've gotta talk to me about this. If not me then her or Quinn or somebody. You've got to sort out your head."

"I thought that things would be different. I thought, I mean, I thought that..."

"She would be single and run back into your arms?"

"Kind of. Well, yeah. Isn't love supposed to triumph over everything? Conquer all and all that? It's just if she loves me why can't she be with me?"

"Is that what you think? That Brittany doesn't love you? Because she didn't wait for you?"

"Well what else am i supposed to think?"

"She loves you Santana. She adores everything you do. She's incredibly proud of you, incredibly proud of who you have become. She just needs time. The timing is off. That's all."

"Time? Timing? Shouldn't love be reason enough?"

"Tana, you're lucky you've pretty much figured yourself out, at least for now, and you know what you want, you have your dreams. Britt hasn't quite figured herself our like that yet."

"Britt? What are you two? Are you friends now?"

"Don't do that Santana. She just needed an ear to listen to her. I'm on your side. I always have been and I always will be."

"I know you are."

"Let me tell you a story. My story. The one that I've avoided telling you for two years. The one that you should have been told a long time ago. Let's talk about my parents."

Your breath nearly hitches in your throat. Lex has never brought up her parents or talked about them. In fact the one time you tried to get her to talk about her parents, she shut down for two days. You knew better than to ask again after that.

"I grew up in Chicago with fairly traditionally Chinese parents. No T.V. on the weekdays, 100% or failure, be the best in everything, that kind of parenting. The summer I turned sixteen, I had a best friend name Rion. I had also just met the girl that would change the game, Skylar. She and I became really close friends over the summer. I knew that I liked her and not in the purely platonic sense. I realized that it was something else. But I had gone out with guys before and I had this feeling around some of the guys too. So I went to Rion, to tell him what I thought I was. To tell him that I thought I was bisexual."

She sighed deeply meeting your eyes for the briefest of seconds. You can see the hurt and betrayal written in her eyes.

"I thought that it would be better to have someone to talk to. I didn't know that the entire thing was some kind of screwed up love triangle. Rion told me that he loved me. I told him that I loved Sky. Rion got pissed, saying that I was only doing it to screw around and then outed me to my parents. I came home to find all of my stuff on the street and a note telling me never to come back. I took my car and drove to California, to my aunt."

She pauses briefly again before choosing to continue. Tears are leaving long track marks down her face and you wish you could reach over to brush them away.

"It was all so fucked up. Sky was the first girl that I truly liked, maybe loved. It didn't even matter that I didn't know how she felt. It wouldn't have changed anything. I just – after being betrayed by my best friend and abandoned by my parents…"

She sighs deeply, drying her tears on the sleeve of her hoodie.

"I don't ever tell this story because it makes me think about how quickly a 'friend' can ruin you. This story, I don't share with everyone Santana. I'm your friend. I will always be on your side okay? I know betrayal."

She turns to leave but before she completely crosses the threshold she turns back towards you.

"Brittany loves you despite her current relationship status. Give her time and the chance to prove it. She waited for you. It's your turn to wait for her."


	6. The End

**Part 6: [The End]**

_One and a Half Years Later_

You're really glad to have chosen Berkeley as your college because no one ever thinks about how hot it is in graduation gowns. It may only be a breezy, comfortable 70 degrees, but you're beginning to feel the telltale signs of sweat collecting where the polyester cap meets your forehead. Despite the relatively mild temperature, you can feel the sun scorch your skin through the dark material of the gown.

Finally, after hours of waiting, you have your diploma from Berkeley's College of Chemistry. You're holding your degree in Biochemistry in your hand and thus the final ticket for med school.

The first person you see is Lex, who is a blur of black and blue rushing towards you from her own College of Engineering ceremony. She throws her hands around you and nearly tackles you to the ground with her momentum.

Your parents appear by your side almost immediately with a blonde in tow.

"Q!"

"Hey S; congrats!"

"I can't believe you made it."

"I can't believe _you_ made it."

You push her shoulder jokingly before turning to introduce her to Lex and then getting smothered by your parents.

-/-/-/-/-/-

"She's sorry she couldn't make it," Quinn starts before looking you dead in the eyes.

Lex eyes you both knowingly from across the room, but says nothing.

"Yeah?" You try to make it sound nonchalant but instead you choke out the word like it's a question.

"She had final showcase this weekend so she wouldn't have made it anyway," Quinn continues before pausing to assess your emotional state.

"I figured."

"She, uh, well, she wanted me to tell you congrats from her."

"Did she now?"

"Yeah she, uh, texted me earlier."

Out of the corner of your eye you see Lex visibly cringe at the word text and Quinn's face immediately goes apologetic. You cut her off before she can start to apologize,

"You know what, I graduated college today. And that only happens once. So I'm gonna get dressed and we can go hit up Oakland and SF."

With that you're rushing out of the room trying to ignore the meaningful glance that Quinn sends to Lex.

-/-/-/-/-

You're in your room door shut not even thinking about what outfit you should be picking out for tonight. You're going to New York for medical school and now you're thinking that maybe that was a mistake. Clearly, she doesn't have lingering feelings for you that way.

You're just about ready to completely wallow in self-pity when Lex appears in your doorway.

"Hey"

You only grunt in response.

"It sucks. I know. I thought my parents would be here, you know, their daughter is graduating from the College of Engineering at Berkeley. You would think that would be a big deal. But, I guess…well," Lex sighs dramatically.

"We made it this far without the most important people in our lives, we can make it a bit further can't we? I mean I don't really need my parents, and who needs love when you've got alcohol and med school?"

You break out a suppressed grin and let out a huge breath of air.

"We're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. Tonight you're gonna take home a pretty girl by telling her you just graduated, then you're going to sexile me and Quinn and I'm going to pretend to be pissed about it when really I'm just pissed that I'm gonna have to do the 'walk of shame' tomorrow morning"

You smile broader and lean into her.

"Thanks."

"It's what I'm here for Tana."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

You wake up to Quinn's screech of surprise setting off about ten landmines in your brain. You feel a weight on your chest and legs tangled in yours. Carefully, as though expecting an impending attack of light, you blink your eyes awake.

The first thing you see is a mass of dark brown hair with highlights. The first thing you smell is Lex's shampoo. The first thing you finally put together is that you're lying pretty naked on a bed and Lex is barely clothed lying nearly completely on top of you.

You flip out.

"No. Not this," you scream, immediately setting off an even worse headache than the first Quinn-induced one.

Lex groans and rolls over before realizing exactly what she had been sleeping on and scrambling faster than you've ever seen anyone scramble out of your bed.

"Lex. Tell me that we didn't."

"I'm like 90% percent sure we didn't but,"

"No. I need a hundred percent here."

"Shit."

"Now is totally not the time."

"Well, I'm still wearing my underwear? So maybe…"

"Oh god. Shit."

"Like I said."

"Coffee first?"

"Advil, then coffee, then thinking."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

You pour the both of you coffee as Lex hands you an Advil and sits down browsing her phone. About five minutes of dead silence pass (filled only with clicking and soft speaker of the phone) as you're trying to figure out how to make this as painless as possible. Then Lex speaks,

"We couldn't have done anything together last night."

"Why?"

"Because you left me this message at 4 am."

You press your ear to the ear piece,

"_Heeeeeeyyyyy, Alexxxxannnnnder. Wait Alexandraaaaay. This girl was toe-tah-lee like all up in my grills and so I like cut a bitch at her and I tells her about my girl Britts. I mean damn. Talk about hung up on. Right? Anyway homegurrrl. I'm going home. Haha. Home girl home. Haha. Homeeeee. Be safe. Use dental dams! Buuuyyyyeeeee!"_

"Oh my god," you mutter, just a tad mortified.

"You better hope you just drunk dialed me pal. Because that was pretty bad."

You just slump down lightly tapping your head against the granite counter before letting out a guttural groan. Lex just sits there and calmly rubs your back and handing you your phone.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

"Yeah mom. No. I know. That was all. Yes mom. Yes. Love you too. Bye."

You look up to Quinn and Lex standing side by side both smirking at you.

"Poor girl she drunk dialed her mom too."

"Shut up Q."

"Well, when you're done apologizing about your drunken antics we've gotta drive Quinn to the airport."

"I'm done now. Let's go."

You're all hugs and no tears as you see Quinn off. You promise to call her immediately when you get to NYC in the late summer and with that she passes through to security.

"You didn't have to come with me you know."

"I didn't come just to see Quinn off, I have to tell you something."

"Okayyyy…."

"So a while back I applied for this thing called Officer Candidate School. For the marines."

"Please do not say what I think you're about to say."

"I got chosen."

"Yeah. For a death sentence."

"This is how I want to give back to my country. You want to heal people. I want to defend people."

"Lex. You can't seriously be–"

"It's my choice. Not yours. I just thought that you would be more supportive."

There's an uncomfortable silence as you quietly steer the car and she turns her body away from you and stares out the passenger side window.

"I don't want you to die," you say it so quietly you're not sure if she even heard you.

"I don't want to die either."

"When do you go to boot camp?"

"Two weeks."

"I'll be there to see you off," you force out.

She flashes a quick grin at you in thanks before climbing out of the car and into the apartment.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

You have to admit; had you not been so emotionally attached to Brittany, you might have jumped Lex when you saw her looking badass in both her camo and her dress blues.

But you think it's a lot less hot when she comes through the door wearing her dress blues with a look in her eye.

"What did they want?"

"I ship out on Tuesday and I'm–"

"And Tuesday. That's on Tuesday."

"Yeah."

"I didn't think I'd have to say goodbye to you so soon."

"This isn't goodbye."

"It could be." You look at her, eyes full of regret, before back pedaling, "I'm sorry. I know you're the one going to war. It's just..."

"I know. Anytime you need a friend, just call me or write me."

"I just – thank you for the past four years. You helped me grow up."

"We grew up together."

"Promise me you'll keep in touch?"

"Promise." She hugs you tightly as though she's sure this is the last time she'll see you, "I'll see you again Tana."

With a quick kiss to the forehead she turns towards the door and walks out, waving back to you once before she gets on the elevator.

You're glad that you kissed Lex under that street lamp all those years ago. You're glad for all the memories you've got of her. You may not be in love with her anymore, but you love her and you care about her, she's been one of your best friends for years.

She's going off to war, to fight for the country, to have a purpose and duty. She's going off to war and you can't help the tears that begin to slide down your cheek. Because there's a chance that she may not comeback in one piece and all of it, the break up, the going to war, the loneliness, it's all finally sinking in.

-/-/-/-/-/-

You instantly know something is off when you don't get a letter that month.

She'd been sending one letter a month for an entire year now. She wrote about her childhood, about her love of all types of music, about how her dream job was always to be a mountaineer.

The last letter should have been a sign. She had written about her will and where it was. She told you where she wanted to be buried and what she wanted to do about the apartment and her car. She told you where to find everything that was important.

But probably most importantly of all she told you that she wanted you to visit home. She told you that she always wished that she could visit her childhood home and see all the places she grew up with. She wanted to visit her teachers and her friends, mostly she said, to rub her success in their faces.

So when you see her face on T.V. under a caption that says "Assumed Dead", you're not entirely surprised. There will be a funeral to go to even though her aunt tells you that they were never able to recover a body. All they have are blackened dog tags.

You end up seeking out her parents because her aunt asked you to and you think they deserve to know that their daughter is dead. You call them drop the bombshell on that their daughter is dead and they thank you for the invite but tell you that they won't be going to the funeral. You don't ask why and instead just hang up.

Its times like these that you're grateful for your parents. As embarrassing as they can be, at least they love, care about, and understand you.

The other she in your life suddenly shows up on your doorstep one day. She's got bags in her hand and a tired, worn out smile on her face. You're super surprised to see her and you're pretty sure the shock is written all over your face but you let her in. 

"I heard about Lex." She says by way of explanation. You nod, your brain still trying to catch up with your eyes. "Tim and I broke up." 

With that simple sentence and her blue eyes staring into your soul, you're reminded of the last thing that Lex said to you. 

"_You never know where you're going to find that unconditional, never-ending, epic kind of love. Sometimes you're not ready to find it, sometimes you let it go. But when you find it and you have the confidence to admit it to yourself, you should never let that love go. Because that love is happiness."_

You're not really sure how Lex sensed it when you had been with Brittany for years and had never had the awareness of an epic kind of love with the blonde. Sure you loved Brittany; sure you loved her a lot. But was it epic, star-crossed lovers, crossing time and space kind of love? Well you never thought so.

You'd loved her and you think you still do, but you had never thought that it would last beyond high school. The cynic in you thought that you would grow up and apart.

You hadn't considered that maybe you could spend forever with her. Maybe that's why you couldn't find your courage to come out before the last day of high school.

Now that blue-eyed dancer is standing in front of you and you feel four years old all over again. You're nervous and awkward like you were the first time she talked to you. But, you're also inexplicably drawn to her. In retrospect the love seems obvious but when you're the one in it its tricky to figure out exactly how good you've got it.

"Brittany." You nearly choke trying to swallow your spit. That's exactly how discombobulated she makes you.

"I know that I've missed a lot and that we haven't talked in a really, really long time but I thought that-" 

You interrupt her by throwing your arms around her waist and just sobbing into her shoulder. She wraps her arms around your shoulder and just whispers comforts into your ear. 

"I'm sorry. I, she's gone. One of my best friends is gone. And I have no idea how to deal with that. Sorry I just and you're here and-" 

"It's okay San," She pauses and traces the letters on your door mat with her foot, "I'm proud of you, you know." 

"Proud of me for what? I haven't done anything." 

"You told me how you were feeling. And we didn't even need a sexy sharing circle for it to happen!" 

You send a watery smile towards Brittany as you chuckle a bit to yourself. 

"She made me better at that. She used to always say that even if it was only a little bit that I should share." 

"She was good for you."

You see the sadness and admiration swirling in those blue eyes. 

"She was."

And then the past tense has you sobbing and clutching blindly for the lapels of Brittany's jacket as you drag her forward and bury your head in her chest. You're surrounded by the smell you've always associated with the feeling of home and safety.

You sob until your tear wells feel dry and used and your eyelashes feel soggy and heavy.

Then you whisper into Brittany's sterum,

"I still love you."

A/N: Please don't kill me if you're still reading this. Chapter 7 is coming quickly though. This was just kind of a filler to get things moving again.

Love you all, even if you don't review, I still love you. If you're so inclined to review even with my horribly late update, I will love you more.


	7. Still Breathing

**Part 7: [Still Breathing]**

You wake up to the mumblings of the television and the smell of frying eggs. When you work up enough energy to roll out of bed, your knees collide with the ground before you realize that you've actually been lying on the couch, not your bed.

You kind of half crawl, half stagger your way into the kitchen where _her_ blue eyes nearly knock you backwards with surprise. When did Brittany get…oh yeah, you cried last night. Sobbed and sniffled and snorted is probably a better description of what you did last night. Still groggy your brain works to put together the image of Brittany in your kitchen and the smell of perfectly done poached eggs.

"Shit!"

"What?"

Your brain is kind of clicking along now, although, clearly your filter didn't wake up with the rest of your body, "You're allowed in kitchens now?"

At that Brittany frowns and snaps her head away from your gaze and back to the frying pan. You're trying to think of all the nicest ways of saying, "You nearly burnt down my kitchen once and somehow set a metal pan on fire, why the hell are you in my kitchen," but before you can think about better ways to rephrase such an offensive statement she interrupts your thoughts,

"I was never not allowed in kitchens," she starts as she turns off the flame and scrapes the eggs onto a platter, "and our dorms were too far away from each other so I couldn't steal your food anymore."

You just stare at her. You're not sure what else to do so you grab two forks, hand her one, and begin shoveling eggs down your throat.

"Yeah. I guess our dorms were pretty far apart."

She gives you her whimsical smile, the one that you don't like to see because it means that you won't be having this conversation anytime soon. You're not even sure what this conversation will be. Will it be you trying to apologize and explain why you chose to go to school clear across the country? Will it be you trying to see how she's changed in the past five years?

"So I'm in med school," you start because sadly, that's pretty much the only thing that's going on in your life.

"I was dancing in L.A."

"And now?"

"I am dancing on Broadway."

"Holy shit Britt! That's great!"

You lean over the counter to give her a hug as she moves in to receive it, but you end up smacking skulls. That's never happened to you two before. Usually you're so in synch is scary. But if you just bumped heads while trying to hug, what the hell is going to happen if you try to kiss. Wait. Kiss? Who? Kissing?

"Shit. My bad B," you say as you settle for an awkward one handed hug and pat on the shoulder. What the hell is wrong with you?

-/-/-/-/-/-

Brittany ends up staying with you for the rest of the week. Every morning you awaken to a cooked breakfast and the T.V. on the news channel. For the first time ever you're actually going to class with a full stomach and you don't have to raid the vending machines at every break.

You never actually ask Brittany to move in and become your official roommate. Instead one day you begin moving all her stuff from the living room to the spare room. She watches you but says nothing and just begins leaving you checks for rent every month.

She dances at night and you study all day. You almost never see each other and when you do it's usually while passing through the apartment door. Since that first day you haven't tried to talk to her and she is either too busy or too tired to make an effort and drag you into conversation.

"Hey, so I was talking to one of the other dancers and he told me about this nice Italian restaurant really close to the theater."

She's shuffling her feet nervously. You're pretty sure she's either about to tell you that she has a date or about to ask you on a date. You're not really sure which is worse.

"That's cool. You should check it out."

You mentally congratulate yourself for actually being able to sound somewhat indifferent and neutral.

"I was thinking that you and I could go on Friday? At seven? We coul–"

"This isn't a date right?"

"Uhh. No… I guess not?"

"I have to go Britt. But I'll meet you at the theater after class?"

Without waiting for a reply you grab your bag and nearly run full tilt out the door. The entire subway ride, you can't get that sad, torn up look you saw in Brittany's eyes when you basically said that you didn't want to go on a date.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

As you walk to class you mentally curse yourself for being that stupid. It isn't bad enough that you lost her once because you didn't want to date her. You're pretty sure that if you don't do something soon you're going to lose her again.

Your mind is plagued with the thought that she'd find someone else, someone more deserving of the kind of love she could give throughout class. You stop thinking about Brittany only long enough to put some over-eager but wrong classmates back in their place.

You decide to head to the theater early so that you can catch the tail end of their rehearsal and maybe squeeze in a little bit of studying time. As you slip into the back of the theater you easily pick out Brittany from one of the moving blobs on stage. Still after all this time, the grace and power she possesses as she owns her character and her dance on stage, blows you away.

You're still in your Brittany induced trance, staring at the now empty stage, when you feel a tap on your shoulder. You nearly jump about a foot in the air out of surprise.

"Woah. Britt. Woah."

"'Woah' I tapped you or 'Woah' that was a good dance?"

Her tone is amused and her eyes glint with mirth.

"Both?"

The two of you just kind of stare at each other, you awkwardly try to look anywhere but her eyes as she tries in vain to catch your gaze.

"Let's go," you basically stutter in an attempt to save yourself from anymore awkward or headache inducing situations.

-/-/-/-/-/-

You're both silent as you read the menus and talk only about the type of wine that you should order. In fact, you don't even begin having a conversation until halfway through the entrees.

"Why did you choose to go to Berkeley?"

You internally rejoice slightly at this question because at least she didn't ask the 'Why don't you want to date' question.

"Uh. There were a lot of reasons. California is really cool."

"You chose your college because the state it's in was cool?"

"Well no not entirely," you put down your fork, flushed in a way that only Brittany can bring out of you.

"You chose Berkeley after you knew I was going to Julliard."

"How did you…Quinn."

"I thought we were best friends? Why would you choose to be so far away from everyone for four years?"

You know that when she says everyone she's really thinking about why you chose to actively avoid her for four years. You also know that you could totally try to avoid answering these questions. But that was the old you. If this is your second chance, you're pretty sure that honesty and full disclosure should be two things for you to focus on.

"I spent twelve years of my life being your best friend. Some of those twelve years hold the best times that I'd ever experienced and the happiest feelings I've ever felt. But some of those twelve years hold the worst hurt I've ever felt too."

You pause and wait for her to nod before you continue,

"You were always there for me in every way I asked you to be. Then suddenly one day you weren't. One day you weren't mine and you weren't there and I was alone."

You feel tears about to pop up but you push on.

"I had relied on you to be there every step of the way since we were six and suddenly we were eighteen and we barely talked to each other. I played Call of Duty instead of going to prom. A lot of that had to do with my fears of status, about coming out. But I couldn't turn to my best friend about it because I'm in love with her. How can you talk to the person who confuses you about how much they confuse you?"

Still, Brittany just sits patiently and listens, her eyes wide and seemingly soaking in everything you're saying.

"I loved you then and I love you now. I chose Berkeley because in Lima I had always been 'Santana and Brittany' or 'Brittany and Santana'. I didn't know how to be me without you and I needed to figure it out without having you constantly there. I needed to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be, for me."

"You still love me?"

Insecurity permeates her face; her brows furrowing slightly her mouth pushed into a sort of frown.

"I never stopped," you breathe out bringing your eyes up to meet crystal blue ones.

"God, you had me so scared. I thought I'd lost you forever. I thought you'd moved on and forgotten about me. I thought that you didn't love me anymore and went to school across the country because I wasn't there to chain you to New York."

"It wasn't like that at all."

"I thought you were done with me. You had Lex and Berkeley and I was just a part of your past. And then I visited and I was dating and you weren't. And I still love you too."

You're both crying as you get up and move over to her side of the table. You pull her sitting body towards your standing frame until her head rests on your shoulder and her tears soak through your shirt. You don't care that everyone in the restaurant is wondering why you're both crying your eyes out. All that matters is that you've got the girl of your dreams in your arms and that she still loves you.

**A/N: Yeah, it is a short part but I wanted to give you all something before I go trap myself out in the wilderness for three days. **

**I'm not sure how much I like this chapter or its lack of substance…**

**Anyway, thank you to all of you who read this. And a huge thank you to the reviewers.**

**As always, review if you are so inclined to. (It rhymes, come on.)**

**Also am I weird for thinking that 'furrowed' is kind of a cute word?**

**Last thing. Created a tumblr. Currently there is all of one post on there, but I expect that to change soon. If you want to know when updates are gonna be or get snippets of the next chapter that's the place to go {arkantoz (.) tumblr (.) com}**


	8. Closer Than We Think

**Part 8: [Closer Than We Think]**

You wish this was one of those Disney movies that Brittany likes to force you to watch (and that you in turn pretend to be disgusted by). If this were a Disney movie, with the confession of love from both of you, you'd be far off into the sunset on a carriage with predictably white horses. Unfortunately, life is not a Disney movie.

Despite your now open mutual love for each other, not much has changed around the apartment. It's not as though either of your schedules allow much time for dates. You both still sleep in different beds and barely see each other during a normal day.

Nothing has changed and everything is exactly the same until one morning you press a quick kiss to Brittany's mouth when she hands you your coffee and books in the morning.

You start coming home earlier. You tell yourself it's because you want to study but really it's so that you have enough time to cook dinner for Brittany most nights.

At the end of two weeks you're having dinner together nearly every day (although dinner is usually served anytime later than midnight). You begin sharing a bed again even though you're just cuddling because both of you are too tired for much else.

She does your laundry and the dishes and generally cleans the house while you're out at class. You cook dinner for her and pack her a lunch and a snack every day. You're beginning to think that this domestic lifestyle really fits the both of you. Of course life has to prove you wrong.

-/-/-/-/-/-

Brittany's in the shower after practice when her phone begins to ring and vibrate like mad

"Answer it for me?"

You press answer, "Hello? … No, this is her girlfriend….What?...Oh. Alright….Yes…Thank you. Goodbye."

You stare at the phone for a good thirty seconds processing the new information before calling out, "Hey Britt, that was your manager."

"Oh. What did he want?"

She emerges from the bathroom in her pajamas with her hair up in a towel.

"You know he said something funny to me. He said that you declined the chance to go on tour with Gaga?"

"Oh. Yeah that."

She looks vaguely uncomfortable as she begins to dry her hair with her back towards you.

"You passed up Gaga," you deadpan to her back trying to think of any reason that she would ever give up one of her dream jobs.

"Of course. I have you now."

She finally turns to look you in the eye as she says that. You give her your best 'what the fuck are you face' as you reply,

"Britt. It's Lady Gaga. We're talking about the same thing right?"

"Yes I know. Why are you getting so worked up about this?"

"Because you freaking declined a chance to go on tour with Lady Gaga because…"

"For you, Santana."

"For me. You can't just do that kind of thing for me. You put your career second to me. You gave up your dream for me?"

You realize that you sound completely insane. Every other girlfriend would be happy with their significant other if they gave up their career as a romantic move to spend more time with them. But of course not you. Even after all this time, you still have some insecurities that amplify your protectiveness of Brittany to a ridiculous degree.

You know that you're afraid that she's going to resent you. You're afraid that the best thing that's ever happened to you is going to turn against you. You believe that you could handle it if you lost her because at least she still loved you. But if she began to resent you? That would kill you slowly from the inside out. It would eat and gnaw you alive to know that Brittany hated you.

"That was never my dream. Not completely anyway."

"It may not have been your dream but it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. How could you–"

"Because I love you Santana."

"Then we should break up."

"What?"

"I'm clearly holding you back."

"Santana."

"No. Do not 'Santana' me. You gave it up without even talking about it with me?"

"Because this is exactly how you would have reacted."

"Is it so bad that I want you to be successful?"

"No. It's that you would choose for me to go after my career rather than choose you."

"Because I'll still be here in three months or a year. That tour won't."

"Will you though Santana?"

Both of your chests are heaving. You look anywhere but her eyes. And she just stands there awkwardly her hands loose at her sides, unsure of what to do.

Then, still avoiding that blue gaze, you grab the extra sheets from your dresser and turn towards the living room.

"I'll be on the couch," you mutter at the door before crossing the threshold and slamming the door on your way down the hall.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

The next couple of days you barely see each other. You're back to avoiding your apartment and hanging out at the library until it's closing time. It's not as though Brittany is even at home much with her show finishing up and her lining up auditions.

Then on the third day of avoidance you come home to a fully cooked, now cold, meal on the table and about a dozen candles that have burned out.

Her tall frame is sprawled out on the couch, feet hanging over one edge, arms wrapped tightly around an empty bottle of wine.

You try to close the door as quietly as possible but as soon as you hear the metallic click of the lock setting in place, the wine bottle's crashed to the carpeted floor and she's sitting up.

"Hey," you mumble with your eyes cast downwards.

"You're home late."

"Yeah, I had a study group today."

"Oh. Well there's dinner if you want some."

By her tone of voice you can tell that she's not happy with you. She seems off to you. The usual even, easy going temperament isn't present.

"Should we talk about this Britt?"

"Talk about what?"

"About how I know you're not happy that I'm home so late but you're not gonna say anything and about how that wine bottle is empty."

"Why do we need to talk? You seem to know what's going on."

"What's up with you Britt?"

"Nothing Santana. I'm fine. I'm fine with giving up a tour for a girlfriend who doesn't appreciate it. I'm fine with the fact that no one is looking for choreographers or even back up dancers right now. I'm fine."

With that, she stumbles as clumsily as you've ever seen, back into your room and unsuccessfully tries to slam the door. When you make up your mind a couple minutes later to join her in bed, she's already dead asleep.

You change and climb into bed careful not to disturb her, but it seems like she's really out this time. You tentatively wrap your arms around her waist and pull her body against yours. When she doesn't wake you hold her tightly as if your life depends on it.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

You start to notice the little things. When you come home she's usually passed out, sprawled either on your bed or the couch fully clothed. Every night there's a new bottle of something to remove from her unconscious grasp.

It began with wine and beer. It isn't until you're taking out the recycling a month later when you finally find the time that you realize exactly how bad it's gotten. There are enough bottles of various alcohols to fill the bottom half of your staircase.

When you go to confront her about it, she's not there. In fact she doesn't come back at all that night, not even to pass out. It leaves you calling every one of your friends at four in the morning to find out if she's okay, until Quinn calls you and tells you that Brittany's at her place. You breathe deeply for about a minute before gathering you wits, pushing down your anger, and thanking Quinn for being a good friend.

The next two weeks are crazy for you between classes and dissections and preparing for your first clinical rotation. One night in the middle of a study session you get a call from a bartender asking for you to pick Brittany up. It isn't until you're dragging Brittany's once lean dancer frame up the four stories to your apartment that you make up your mind that something has to change.

You watch her through the night to make sure she makes it through and leave only because you have to go to this class. But you leave a note for her on her phone telling her that you two need to talk.

For the first time in weeks when you get home she's not passed out on the couch or the bed. The door to the bathroom is closed though. You decide to sit on your bed and wait. When fifteen minutes pass by and you still hear no sounds from within the dimly lit bathroom you call out to her.

No answer.

You call out again. This time you're more demanding.

Still no answer.

You knock and shout her name.

But there's still no answer.

You threaten to tear down the door.

Silence.

You basically knock down the door as you barrel into the bathroom. The only light in the room comes from a single flickering candle sitting on the counter.

All you can hear are the sounds of Brittany's labored breath as her body is wracked with sobs that disturb the otherwise peaceful water. Without even pausing to think, you climb into the tub behind her and just sit there holding her, rocking her back and forth as she cries.

You can feel your pants getting heavier with the water and you feel the material begin to cling to your skin. Her cold fingers press into your arms just holding your arms close to her chest. You've never had to deal with this kind of thing before.

"I'm so sorry."

You shush her gently, "It's not your fault. It's not your fault."

Her fingers press harder into your skin, her fingernails biting into the soft skin of your forearm and the pads of her fingers numbing the skin they touch.

You shift slightly so that one of your arms holds her protectively over the chest and the other is halfway submerged in water caressing the creamy too-pale skin of her stomach.

There's no handbook on what to say or what to do when you find your girlfriend sobbing in a tub full of cold water. So you just go with your gut and whisper to her how much you love her and all the different ways you love her. Eventually you're just pleading the words, "I love you," over and over again mumbling them with your cheek pressed against the soft skin of her neck.

She breaks your mantra, "I think I need help Santana. Help that I don't think you can give me."

You swallow hard and pause for a breath, "Okay."

There's silence before you speak up again, "I'd do anything you asked me to do. You know that right?"

"Yeah. Of course. I just…I don't know how to keep going anymore. I'm out of control."

"I'll start calling places in the morning," you whisper into her wet hair.

You both stay in the tub until you're shivering more than you're rocking and she's fallen asleep. You carefully carry her to the bedroom wrap her in a towel and tuck her into bed before retiring to the couch with your laptop.

By the time she's made it out to the kitchen for coffee you've figured out the details of this rehab thing.

"There's a place up north, about three hours north. They'd be ready to take you whenever, I'd have to go there to drop you off and check you in and everything. After that, it's six months in there."

"Okay. Do we go today?"

"Sure. I'll let you pack up and I'll get the car ready and we can go."

"Thank you San."

You just nod silently and continue bustling around the kitchen.

-/-/-/-/-/-

The drive up is silent save for the sounds of the car and the soft tinny music coming from the car speakers. "Landslide" comes on and you reach to turn off the wretched sounds of the song that reminds of you so much, but her hand is there pulling your wrist back tugging you fingers away from the dial. Neither of you say anything but you can feel her watching your face.

You make sure not to cry.

Three excruciating hours later you're standing in front of a clinically clean building holding one oversized suitcase.

You check her in with the woman at the desk who leaves to give you two a moment for goodbyes. Her arms are around your shoulders immediately her silent tears soaking into your hair, your tears darkening her shirt.

"No matter what happens I'll be here for you when you get out," you whisper as you let her go down the hall and out of your sight.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

**A/N: So shit went down in the chapter. I can't say that I'm completely happy with my characterization of Brittany, but I wanted to make it apparent in her behavior and attitude that she may have an alcohol problem. **

**Also, I didn't mean to make Britt have an alcohol problem. I meant for this to be a nice happy chapter but instead I wrote a chapter full of job loss and poor coping mechanisms. **

**Thank you all for the reviews (I still have to reply to all of them…I know.).**

**And as always, **

**If you've got the time, drop me a line. (…I'm trying to be creative here…).**


	9. Walk on Water or Drown

**Part 9: [Walk On Water or Drown]**

At the end of the first month you get a short call from Brittany. She tells you that she's fine that her roommate is cool and that she loves you. You tell her that you're happy that she's fine and that you're proud of her and of the fact that she's working to get better. You don't tell her that you love her.

You're not allowed to see her; a discovery that you make two months into the six month rehab period. In fact you're not really supposed to see her when she gets out either. You're supposed to keep your distance, supposed to let her re-adjust to a clean life on the outside.

So you start writing her letters. You don't send them. You just leave them in a box that you're planning on giving to her at some point.

You know that you're supposed to pretty much cut off all ties with her to give her a chance for a fresh start. As much as it pains you, by the end of the third month you've stopped answering and she's stopped calling.

You go out to bars and get hit on by women and men, but afterwards you feel dirty so you stop doing going out. You basically shut yourself inside your room, looking over old pictures, happy pictures, reliving the good parts of high school and crying over the bad.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Dear Brittany,

Now that you're getting better and you're on track again, they told me that you couldn't have any distractions.

So I'm writing you these letters because I need to talk to you but I can't.

I'm not allowed to.

Did you know that after you come out of rehab you're not supposed try living on your own first? Then you take care of a plant, then a pet, then you can start having a relationship with another human after all that.

That's a long time not to be able to love you.

But just so you know, no matter how long I have to wait, I'll do it. You waited for me for the first twenty years of us without complaint. I'll wait another twenty years and more if it means I get you forever after that.

Love,

Santana

-/-/-/-/-/-

Dear Brittany,

Remember the first time we met?

We were six and I was lying in the grass with no friends at the park. Then you came over to me and introduced yourself to me.

You taught be how to wish on a star that day. Remember how I was such a brat that I told you that there weren't any stars in the sky so how could I wish on a star.

Then you told me that the biggest star of them all was the sun, and that wishing on all the other ones meant nothing because the sun was always the first star you would see.

Did I ever tell you what I wished for that day?

I wished for someone to come and take my loneliness away. I wished for you.

And I got you.

Please please please get better because you saved me from a life of loneliness.

Scratch that.

You're still saving me from a life of loneliness.

Star light, star bright the first star I see tonight,

I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.

Santana.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Dear Britt,

Do you remember when Mulan?

Of course you remember Mulan.

I mean do you remember what you said to me after the first time we watched it? We were eight. And it was summer time, school had just gotten out.

And afterwards you turned to me and you asked me if a princess could ever marry another princess.

I told you that no, they couldn't.

You told me that you'd dress up as a boy like Mulan did if it meant that you could marry me.

I think that if I didn't love you before then, I definitely loved you since then.

I felt so happy that I could marry you and not some gross boy.

That should have been the first sign that I loved girls. Or rather that I was loved a girl.

I still love you, probably more than I did then.

When we get married though, I don't think you should dress up like a guy like Mulan did. I'm sure you'd totally rock a suit and all but you're too graceful and too beautiful to cover up with that much clothing.

I want to see you in white walking down the aisle towards me.

I'd be like Mulan and dress up like a guy every day of my life if it meant that you could be my wife every day.

All my love,

Santana.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Britt,

I've always tried my best to be unafraid of everything. That's the way abuela raised me and that's what living with a rotation of nannies did to me I guess.

You could always read me better than that though. You knew when I was afraid, but you also knew better than to actually tell me that you knew I was afraid.

Bugs have always been so creepy to me. You used to catch them I remember, but not me. I could play tag and dodge ball and kick ball and butt's up. I could climb the flag pole and do flips off the monkey bars but I could never never play with those damned bugs.

Moths were (still are) the absolute worst though. They're like furry and they fly. It's the worst possible combo. I don't know how you can stand to touch them much less kill them for me.

That was the only thing I didn't like about the summer when we were twelve. I'm pretty sure your tree house had a moth infestation even though you still refuse to believe me.

It was that summer that I started to notice little things. Like the fact that your chest wasn't so flat anymore and that you had girl hips instead of boy hips now. That year was the first year I really noticed you. That was the year my denial began.

I remember that there would be times that I would fantasize about your lips and how they must feel.

Can you believe that I thought it was completely normal to fantasize about kissing and touching my best friend's lips just to see how soft they were? I thought I was just curious. Turns out I was more bi-curious than anything.

Anyway, we were lying in your tree house that Fourth of July and I was getting fidgety because I was waiting for the fireworks to start and there were moths everywhere.

Your gripped my hand in yours (now that your hands were finally, finally bigger than mine) and tugged me close to you. I could feel my stomach churning as soon your side was completely up against mine.

Then you turned your head to look at me and ask me if I was okay.

Of course I was okay. But then when I turned my head, our noses were brushing. I could see all the different flecks of blue in your eyes. And your lips were the closest they had ever been to my face.

Then you whispered, "They're just moths."

I'm pretty sure you leaned in first. I was never the braver one out of the two of us.

When I finally got to feel your lips, it felt so light and weird and I know I freaked out.

I left before the fireworks even started and didn't see you for another week.

No other kiss has or will ever feel as awesomely scary as that one.

I know I ran away afterwards but I loved everything about that kiss, I love everything about the fact that you were my first kiss.

I hope you're my last kiss.

Love always,

Santana

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Dear Brittany S. Pierce,

That night at cheer camp was the best and most sacred thing I've ever shared with you.

I don't even know how to put it into words.

"Alien invasion" aren't the words I would have used but…

You were so gentle and the look in your eyes and the feeling of your fingers everywhere on my body all at once.

And the feeling of your lips on my cheeks, my forehead, my lips…my breasts, my stomach…right _there_.

The way I could feel you and you could feel me like no one else ever had.

That was the most special night of my life.

I couldn't have chosen a better first. I can't even describe how loved felt. For the first time in my life I felt loved. And it wasn't by my parents or my grandmother making me feel secure. It wasn't a trusted adult or mentor telling how awesome I was. It was you, my best friend, showing me exactly how much you loved me.

It was always you.

Love,

Santana

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Brittany,

I'm sorry about high school.

I'm sorry that I was such a little arrogant, scared bitch. I'm sorry I kept us in the closet and kept you feeling less than loved. I'm sorry I couldn't take you to senior prom.

I'm probably the most sorry that I couldn't take you to senior prom. You know what I did instead? I played video games for so long that if you were there you would have yelled at me.

Sometimes I wish that I could take all that back, that I could just redo highschool.

But if by changing the past I would change the future I would never change anything that happened in the past (just apologize profusely for all the stupid things I did in the past).

I love you. And even though we're not perfect right now or physically together right now, we're perfect together.

God. That was so cheesy. I would cross it out but I'm sure you're loving every word.

We are perfect together now and until the end of time. I've finally matured, you've turned into someone who is so grown up I barely recognize you sometimes. I can accept who I am, what I am and love myself for every bit of that. I don't have to push you away anymore because I'm not scared of that anymore.

Love.

I'll say it out loud, shout it to the world, type it as my status.

Brittany S. Pierce, I love you more than anything. I've loved you longer than I've ever loved or done anything. I think you deserve an award or something for being in a relationship with me because I know that I'm not an easy person to love.

I'm yours. Proudly so.

The unicorn to your bicorn,

Santana

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Brittany's supposed to get out of rehab tomorrow and the rehab people will be dropping her of at a new apartment that's near her sponsor according to what the receptionist lady told you. You check on the apartment and drop off the box filled with letters and mementos next to her mail box.

It's another three months before you see each other again.

You see her working alone at a coffee shop and stare at her until she feels you looking. You smile at her from across the room and she smiles back. You part with a short wave and a nod, your coffee in hand. It feels as unsatisfying as drinking a Pepsi when you really want a Coke. But you're trying desperately to keep your distance.

For both your sakes.

Or at least that's what you're trying to tell yourself.

Then Friday night you're sitting at your apartment alone nursing a Coke and watching a marathon of old Disney movies on T.V. when your doorbell unexpectedly rings.

She's standing there, her face no longer gaunt, her eyes no longer sunken, her clothes no longer reeking of cheap hard liquor and puke. She's standing there with a dozen roses and a smile that could melt anyone's façade. She's here.

She came to you.

You'll never understand, not in ten years, not in twenty years, how or why she's always the first one to put her foot forward.

"I'm yours too." She whispers as though telling you a secret, "Proudly so."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

A/N: Oh snap.

Also I'd like to point out that I got majorly inspired and wrote this just right now. Like in the past two hours?

Yeah.

Hope you guys liked it and continue to like it.

Press the button and I'll be your mutton.

(So, there are probably better and much less suggestive rhymes that that one…I should really think it through better.)

Oh yeah, and my ego and I thank you for all your alerts, reviews, etc. I love you all (especially the anonymous reviewers!). But seriously. Thank you.


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